Musings over the chardonnay
Given all the furore over at CKMB I've spent many hours thinking about the nature of bullying etc. Every time there has been one of these incidents (and lately it seems to be on a weekly basis) there is a whole trail of comments of the "I say what I think and if people don't like it, well tough" ilk.
For some reason that kind of statement just rankles with me and I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. I seem to remember conversations with psychologist friends on this very subject but I suspect it may have been over copious amounts of wine and now my memory lets me down when I try to recall the conclusions we came to! LOL Still I'm sure we enjoyed the wine!
I did recall though some of the courses all us "70's Chicks" did on Assertiveness Training and did some searching. The text on the difference between Assertive and Agressive behaviour struck a chord.
Here are some highlights that I got from of all places www.arthritis.ca
Assertive Behaviour:
Characteristics - Choose for self. Appropriately honest. Direct, self-respecting, self-expressing, straight-forward. Convert win-lose to win-win.
Your Own Feelings on the Exchange - Confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued. Later: Accomplished.
Others' Feelings in the Exchange - Valued, respected.
Others' View of You in the Exchange - Respect, trust. Know where you stand.
Outcome - Outcome determined by above-board negotiation. Your and others' rights respected.
Underlying Belief System - I have a responsibility to protect my own rights: I respect others but not necessarily their behaviour.
Aggressive Behaviour:
Characteristics - Choose for others. Inappropriately honest (tactless). Direct, self- enhancing. Self-expressive, derogatory. Win-lose situation that you win.
Your Own Feelings on the Exchange - Righteous, superior,deprecatory, controlling. Later: possibly guilt.
Others' Feelings in the Exchange - Humiliated, defensive, resentful, hurt.
Others' View of You in the Exchange - Vengeful, angry, distrustful, fearful.
Outcome - You achieve your goal at others' expense. Your rights upheld; others' are violated.
Underlying Belief System - I have to put others down to protect myself.
Interesting isn't it! I could immediately visualise several of the trolls right down to the "guilt" later (how many times have we had to read how "god" told them they had been hasty and should apologise?).
Anyway, time to find where I hid the chardy and pour another glass. I still have a lot more thinking to do on the question of "do I go or do I stay". For now though love & hugs to all.
For some reason that kind of statement just rankles with me and I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. I seem to remember conversations with psychologist friends on this very subject but I suspect it may have been over copious amounts of wine and now my memory lets me down when I try to recall the conclusions we came to! LOL Still I'm sure we enjoyed the wine!
I did recall though some of the courses all us "70's Chicks" did on Assertiveness Training and did some searching. The text on the difference between Assertive and Agressive behaviour struck a chord.
Here are some highlights that I got from of all places www.arthritis.ca
Assertive Behaviour:
Characteristics - Choose for self. Appropriately honest. Direct, self-respecting, self-expressing, straight-forward. Convert win-lose to win-win.
Your Own Feelings on the Exchange - Confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued. Later: Accomplished.
Others' Feelings in the Exchange - Valued, respected.
Others' View of You in the Exchange - Respect, trust. Know where you stand.
Outcome - Outcome determined by above-board negotiation. Your and others' rights respected.
Underlying Belief System - I have a responsibility to protect my own rights: I respect others but not necessarily their behaviour.
Aggressive Behaviour:
Characteristics - Choose for others. Inappropriately honest (tactless). Direct, self- enhancing. Self-expressive, derogatory. Win-lose situation that you win.
Your Own Feelings on the Exchange - Righteous, superior,deprecatory, controlling. Later: possibly guilt.
Others' Feelings in the Exchange - Humiliated, defensive, resentful, hurt.
Others' View of You in the Exchange - Vengeful, angry, distrustful, fearful.
Outcome - You achieve your goal at others' expense. Your rights upheld; others' are violated.
Underlying Belief System - I have to put others down to protect myself.
Interesting isn't it! I could immediately visualise several of the trolls right down to the "guilt" later (how many times have we had to read how "god" told them they had been hasty and should apologise?).
Anyway, time to find where I hid the chardy and pour another glass. I still have a lot more thinking to do on the question of "do I go or do I stay". For now though love & hugs to all.
posted by madcow at 4:19 AM
8 Comments:
I'm honored to be able to leave the first comment on your blog, dearheart. Your post reflects, once again, your great insight and wisdom into things necessary as well as mundane, with acuity and proper perspective. You go, girl! Can't wait to see future musings, whether over chardonnay, gin, or any other beverage of your choice! I just wish I could be there with you! So glad to have you join the blog world. Hugs to you, darl...
Absolutely correct my friend. Your musings say it all. Sadly though if you tried to have such wonderful freedom of speech on the board you would be shut down in flames. As for going and staying - I stay to chat to the EBs because I love the girls but as for the rest - I was over it last time they bullied Jules. Now about that chardy............
My dear friend...Well said, as usual....You are indeed a wise woman with tremondus insight....
I would be there in a heartbeat with Chardoney in hand.....if I could....imagine the musings with multiple "great" minds....
Love to you....
Ah, my dear tiara twinkie - what a lovely little place you've created here. I, myself, prefer chardonay or riesling mostly. I think I tend toward white wines as they're so much less noticeable when I'm wearing them (on my clothes, lol). Never give a sloppy drunk a glass of chablis, lol.
I love your take on things at the ckmb. Absolutely head on. I've never been banned from there, though I must admit I've probably had more posts pulled and still remained a member than most. A rather enviable talent, I like to believe.
Best Wishes on your new Blogging Venture! kath
My dearest MerMaid BBTH (who loves me best) I love your mad cow musings and think you are the cat's meow...enough animal metaphors to last a life time, me thnks. know I am a lovin' ya!
My dearest MerMaid BBTH (who loves me best) I love your mad cow musings and think you are the cat's meow...enough animal metaphors to last a life time, me thnks. know I am a lovin' ya!
Hi Clare...
You are such a good writer and able to say exactly what needs to be said. Too bad the people that really need to read it won't be here to read it. Well, I guess even if they were, they would think, "oh I wonder who they are talking about?". Anyway, it's good to see your written word anywhere, but I do hope we'll see you on the eb post!
Maria
Well, as usual, you hit the nail on the head my dear friend!! When I think of that particular bottom feeder, I think what a terribly lonely and sad feeling that would be, to be her and have so many people truly dislike me, like they do her. She really knows no God except in her imagination where she believes herself to be human...alas, we know she's not, lol!!!
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