Home again, home again, jiggedy jig!
It was just a day in Hamilton but it felt like a week. He Who Shall Not Be Named had to go attend to his traffic charge down there and there were many, many moments during the day that I regretted ever saying I'd go with him - the day will go down in Madcow history as one of the more frustrating and pointless experiences only to be matched by close encounters of the WINZ, IRD or (insert name of any other government agency here) kind.
By midday, and after things had gone horribly wrong, I finally lost my cool and accosted an innocent official (as only a Madcow Mother can) and by 2.30pm things were close to where they should have been in the first place, but it really made me wonder. If you don't have a white, middle-class mother who is prepared to stamp her dainty feet what happens to you? Little wonder we have so many angry young men out there feeling disempowered.
It was the icing on the cake really for the week (or is that still to come? There are afterall still three days to go.) The Madcow Mother has spent a couple of days in hospital when the doctor suspected a blot clot. Fortunately her chest is clear but there it is, in her lower leg, doing its worst and she's home now, receiving the "rat poison" as she so delicately puts it. You'd think by now I would have received a customer loyalty card or something after the hours I've put in sitting on their nasty little plastic chairs - surely by now I must be entitled to a free cup of coffee or perhaps a complimentary frontal lobotomy?
You've got to laugh though don't you? David Darlings gift of Tana & his handbag yesterday certainly took the edge off yesterdays head banging moments. Today Lina did the honours with this little treasure (which sounds uncomfortably familiar to me).
New Company Regulations, approved by Fair Employment Act 2005
Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days -We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days -Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!
Lunch Break -Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
PS. Just watched an item on "Sugar Shack" about the underground sport of Purse Fighting. Oh dear Tana, this is just not going to go away is it!
By midday, and after things had gone horribly wrong, I finally lost my cool and accosted an innocent official (as only a Madcow Mother can) and by 2.30pm things were close to where they should have been in the first place, but it really made me wonder. If you don't have a white, middle-class mother who is prepared to stamp her dainty feet what happens to you? Little wonder we have so many angry young men out there feeling disempowered.
It was the icing on the cake really for the week (or is that still to come? There are afterall still three days to go.) The Madcow Mother has spent a couple of days in hospital when the doctor suspected a blot clot. Fortunately her chest is clear but there it is, in her lower leg, doing its worst and she's home now, receiving the "rat poison" as she so delicately puts it. You'd think by now I would have received a customer loyalty card or something after the hours I've put in sitting on their nasty little plastic chairs - surely by now I must be entitled to a free cup of coffee or perhaps a complimentary frontal lobotomy?
You've got to laugh though don't you? David Darlings gift of Tana & his handbag yesterday certainly took the edge off yesterdays head banging moments. Today Lina did the honours with this little treasure (which sounds uncomfortably familiar to me).
New Company Regulations, approved by Fair Employment Act 2005
Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days -We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days -Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!
Lunch Break -Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
PS. Just watched an item on "Sugar Shack" about the underground sport of Purse Fighting. Oh dear Tana, this is just not going to go away is it!
posted by madcow at 1:46 AM
3 Comments:
OMGawd! This entire post has me peeing my pants! Although I am sorry about your mum. Thanks for the laugh, Clare. I really needed it today.
I am laughing so hard! Love the new office rules. I have to copy and print it for work!
:J
Fortunately most of us just wear our ugly uniforms and since we are union, we generally know what the other makes, which in my case is definitely NOT anywhere near enough. When you hire on the wonderful prople in "Human Resources" take your years of service working elsewhere and cut it in half and that is the level at which you start. Hopefully when I have my evaluation with my supervisor in a few week, I can plead for some more $$$.
Love your rules.
Hope the Madcow momma is doing well on the "rat poisoning"
katie
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